Silence Speaks Volumes

Silence in a relationship: Think about when your friends, family, significant other, or other person that you are close to are silent when you have been communicating often. Think about how you feel when they don't respond.

It speaks volumes.  It screams "I'm too busy for you"... "I don't care about you"... "You aren't worth my time"... "You aren't enough for me"..."There are so many important things in my life, and you aren't one of them."

When that happens it hurts.  It can truly cut into your core and make you feel less than worthy of attention, compassion, and love. It can wear away at the connection you had with that person.  It can eliminate the trust, and therefore breaking the bond between you.

As I was reflecting on the deafening silence today, I immediately thought that God must have felt this way with me many times before.  How many times have I placed other things ahead of my relationship with Him? How many times have I actively known that I wasn't praying daily, or being open to communication in prayer? How many times have I let myself get caught up in the things of this world and neglect my relationship with Him who is the source of all joy?

He must have hurt.  Actually, I know He hurt.  Just looking at the Crucified Christ. I know that He suffered, and continues to suffer, when I mistreat Him.  On that Good Friday, the world was silent towards Him.  The pain must have been excruciating to feel that everyone who He loved and cared about was being silent.  The deafening silence like a sword piercing His heart, like a crown of thorns being smashed onto his head, like nails being drive through His hands and feet. Every person, their own attack on His being through their silence.

But His love was greater than the silence.  His whispering voice of love was bigger than the deafening silence.  He conquered the grave, breaking the silence of death to love us, although we are unworthy after the pain that we cause Him.  He is greater than the silence.  And therefore, even when we are feeling the pain of silence from someone we care about, He is there with outstretched arms, the Crucified Christ, showing us that His love is the greatest love there is.  That He has forgiven us for the times we have hurt Him.  That His love is all we need.  And because of Him, I am worthy, I am cared for, and most importantly, I am loved by the One who created me.

Anchor

A reoccurring prayer for me lately is trust.  Mainly because... Life. Is. Hard.

Whether you are struggling with how to handle a problem at work, how to find work, how to figure out financial problems, how to navigate a relationship, how to deal with a breakup, how to love who you are, how to....[fill in the situation here].  There are a million things that can cause us to struggle in daily lives and they can truly impact our spiritual life.

Well, I have been riding on a couple of those little struggle boats lately.  At times I feel like I am in a giant sea of emotions as the highs are immediately met with drastic lows as joy meets chaos.  It's really difficult to feel like the usually positive me sometimes because I am so wrapped up in the little details of the current situations.  I know that there are moments of doubt (as mentioned in my previous post) and that the devil is just trying to attack me as I wait out this stormy season of my life.

But the lies that the devil keeps pushing... after a while I start to get convinced that they are true. We've all been there.  Believing the lies that things will never work out, that this good thing that is happening will get ripped out from under us, that we aren't worthy of love or success or happiness, that we aren't enough.  When your in the sea of emotion, getting thrown from one high to the next low as situations get more confusing or unclear, its easy to start to believe that those things are true.

As I was praying, I was reflecting on the imagery of the ocean, the ebb and flow of the waves, the high and low tides, and their strength during a storm.  I recognize that right now, I am in the middle of the storm.  I am being tossed around as I try to anchor myself.  The anchor of our faith is trust.  My trust is there.  I know that I have trusted in God in the past, that my anchor was deep enough to touch the bottom of the ocean of life and keep me connected to Him and His love in the past.  But I'm not sure the waves have ever felt this big.  There are just so many different waves of emotions coming my way.  And then it hit me, I haven't let my anchor go deep enough.  He is calling me to trust Him more.  To let the line for my anchor of trust out more than it ever has before so that it reaches the depths of the oceans - that it reaches God again.

So my prayer is that I learn to trust more deeply in the Lord.  I know that he has always sustained me.  I just need to trust that he will continue to do so.

I am thankful that I know this song - Anchor by Josh Garrels.  It has been one of my favorites for a few years now and I believe that it truly is an anthem that I need to be listening to.  "Anchor of my soul, you sustain. When I'm in the storm, you remain.  You remain, good to me."  God truly has always been good to me.  He has never failed me.  He will not fail me now.  For He is always good to me.  My anchor.

Doubt & Trust

In life, there are many moving parts. Each one needs to function in order for the other parts to work. Every time one small part changes, there are other pieces that need moved, changed, or added for everything to function in harmony again. 

As this school year is reaching an end, a lot of pieces in my life are moving. I can feel it, but I don't necessarily see how to make everything work together in harmony again. When the big picture is fuzzy, it's easy to begin to doubt. I've been doubting every decision I make about every aspect of my life. But a wise person, who I am blessed to call my amazing sister, once told me that it is in moments of change that the devil attacks. And surely, I have learned that she is right. As questions about what next year will be like both personally and professionally entered my life, I could see the devil trying to twist my emotions, to make me lose hope. He was attacking everything I felt confident in so that I could feel confused and disoriented. He tried to convince me that I am not enough to make anything work, that I am a useless piece in the machine of life.

Then during prayer, God blessed me to stumble across Psalm 84. It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment. (God's pretty awesome like that!)

After a lot of reflection and self evaluation I have returned back to the truth - that I am enough because I am a child of God. I am His daughter and he created me to perfectly complement the rest of the machine of life. He knows what He is asking of me, He is constantly affirming me that I am enough because I am His, and He is simply asking me to trust in His goodness. 

Although life is still confusing, I'm finding my peace in Him who loves me. I've realized that I don't need to know everything right now, I just need to trust in His plan for me, for everything is possible with God!

God's Love

Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. -- Romans 12:12

A week ago, I was blessed to be with my beautiful family in Pittsburgh celebrating the wedding of my gorgeous cousin, Kim, to the man who can always bring a smile to her face, Will.  It was a beautiful catholic ceremony followed by a classy and chic reception.  

Even on a day of such beauty and love, I was struggling with many different internal struggles that day.  One of the major ones being where God is calling me next year.  I have prayed and discerned over this for months now.  I felt called in one specific direction for a while and began pursuing avenues to make it happen.  But as doors began to close, I began to doubt that what I wanted was God's will.  Luckily, I was blessed to be able to go home for the wedding because God really used this as an opportunity to speak to me.

At the ceremony, I was reminded of God's love.  How even through hardship and trial, He will always be faithful to us.  Kim and Will's marriage will be a constant reminder of that as they continue to grow in love of each other. I gained in that moment a peace and reassurance.  I thought about all of the beautiful relationships that are witnesses to God's never-ending love for us: my parents relationship with each other, my relationship with each of them, my relationships with my brother and sister, my relationship will all of my family, all of the wonderful couples I know, my relationship with my two little loves Cecilia and Kateri, and so many more.  If all of these examples of love are so beautiful, imagine how incredibly magnificent the Father's love is for us! A great sense of peace and love was there in that moment. And even though that moment was fleeting, I still remember it and have hope that it will be again.

While discerning over the past week there have been a lot of ups and downs making me still really unsure of what God is calling me to for the next year.

But I rejoice in the hope that He is guiding me.  With Him at my side I will endure this affliction within myself about what is next. As long as I continue to preserve in prayer I will be able to better know His will for me.

Holy Week

Holy Week in Honduras is a week long celebration of being Catholic. Not only do they have your normal masses and services, but they have the most beautiful alfombras and a million religious processions. Instead of a normal post, this is just a photo series of the Triduum. Enjoy!

Holy Thursday- celebration of the institution of the Eucharist, then a play of the Last Supper on the Cathedral steps

Thursday into Good Friday- making the alfombra (carpet made of sawdust) with ICB!

Good Friday- stations, masses and processions

Holy Saturday, Vigil Mass- 9 baptisms!

On Easter Sunday I was blessed to fly home and was greeted by these lovely faces (and my dad and Jeff in the car).

Needless to say, the Triduum was blessed! I hope that yours was too!

God's Plan is Greater

I am a slightly Type-A personality. I like a plan, to see where things are headed, and to map a roadmap to get there. 

However, I have been left feeling lost and disoriented in the past by over planning my life and things not turning out the way I planned. Even though everything that was happening was fine, I saw my world, my plan, crumbling and I was unhappy.

If I only could have known then what I have learned from those experience s- God's plan is greater than mine. It's better than anything I could imagine. If we trust in Him, in His divine providence, He will give us the grace to handle whatever lies ahead on the road we are on. It's ok to have goals, and to have hopes about our future, but it's important not to get so caught up in the planning to see how God is working in each and every moment of our day. For His plan is always greater than mine, because He is love, beauty, and goodness itself. 

Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is hard.  No one wants to feel vulnerable or exposed.  But yet, it is necessary to be mutually vulnerable to get to know someone.  It’s hard. Really hard.  Letting your walls down. Admitting flaws.  Showing weakness.  Exposing fears.  

But it can also be rewarding if you are doing it in a healthy way.  Mutually, with someone else, letting your guard down.  Getting to know them.  Seeing their walls come down.  Understanding their flaws.  Realizing their weakness.  Seeing their fears.

This year I have learned to enjoy mutual vulnerability.  Getting to know someone as they get to know me.  Slowly, but surely, building meaningful friendships.  For example, my friendship with my beautiful roommate Jenny. We both certainly have walls that we have built to protect ourselves from vulnerability, but with time I know we have both removed brick by brick the insecurities to let the other better understand us.  I have seen her flaws and she has seen mine and I have learned to see the good that is past those and I hope she has been able to see past mine.  I see the weakness in myself more clearly because of my friendship with her.  Living with her I have learned so much about areas I need to grow, and it has been beautiful to strive to grown in those ways.  And through all of these things I have learned the its ok to let people know things that terrify you.  

I am blessed to have learned that it’s ok to be vulnerable. Through Jenny and my other friendships here, God has blessed me to be able to start tearing down my walls and letting people in more and more.  I’m excited to see where this new found “OK”-ness with vulnerability can take me.  But only God knows, and I’m vulnerable enough to admit that I am ok with that.