Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is hard.  No one wants to feel vulnerable or exposed.  But yet, it is necessary to be mutually vulnerable to get to know someone.  It’s hard. Really hard.  Letting your walls down. Admitting flaws.  Showing weakness.  Exposing fears.  

But it can also be rewarding if you are doing it in a healthy way.  Mutually, with someone else, letting your guard down.  Getting to know them.  Seeing their walls come down.  Understanding their flaws.  Realizing their weakness.  Seeing their fears.

This year I have learned to enjoy mutual vulnerability.  Getting to know someone as they get to know me.  Slowly, but surely, building meaningful friendships.  For example, my friendship with my beautiful roommate Jenny. We both certainly have walls that we have built to protect ourselves from vulnerability, but with time I know we have both removed brick by brick the insecurities to let the other better understand us.  I have seen her flaws and she has seen mine and I have learned to see the good that is past those and I hope she has been able to see past mine.  I see the weakness in myself more clearly because of my friendship with her.  Living with her I have learned so much about areas I need to grow, and it has been beautiful to strive to grown in those ways.  And through all of these things I have learned the its ok to let people know things that terrify you.  

I am blessed to have learned that it’s ok to be vulnerable. Through Jenny and my other friendships here, God has blessed me to be able to start tearing down my walls and letting people in more and more.  I’m excited to see where this new found “OK”-ness with vulnerability can take me.  But only God knows, and I’m vulnerable enough to admit that I am ok with that.  

Prejudgments

Prejudgments. 

We all make them.

And at that, we immediately let them influence how we react.

One thing I have been trying to do lately is not let my prejudgments determine the situation.  Most of the time, things are not how they immediately appear.  But I allow my judgment, whether of a person, situation, or place, to predetermine how I am going to react.  Being an introvert at heart, new social situations are always challenging.  I sit back, I observe, and then I catch myself judging.  Judging who I should talk to, who I should avoid, or what I should or shouldn't do.  Yes, to an extent that is good - it shows caution. But think of it this way.... what happens when your prejudgments inhibit you from interacting with the people that God is placing in front of you?

Imagine if Jesus had prejudged everyone he met. For example, think of his interaction with the Samaritan woman.  (John 4:7-42) If he would have acted (or failed to act) based on the judgment of her being a Samaritan, he never would have been able to give her the gift of his eternal water.  The Samaritan people wouldn't have been draw to Jesus.  Nothing would have happened if he let a judgment get in the way.

We are called to be like Jesus, acting out of faith, hope, and charity instead of our prejudgments.  God places specific people in our lives at different times for  reason.  They are in front of us because he desires for us to interact with them.  I pray that we learn to stop judging, and start being present to those that are right here.  

Pottery and Docility

This week, the idea of being docile to the movings of the Holy Spirit in my life has really been playing a major theme.  As I slowly discern what is next, there a many roadblocks that seem to be appearing.  So many at times that I feel like I can barely see the road ahead.  But with trust in the Lord, I continue to journey forward with a knowing that He will guide me.  And I also have a firm understand that God is transforming me, moment by moment as I accept His will for me.  He is working in my heart as I offer more and more of it to Him.  

As I was reading one of my daily Lenten reflections, I came across Jeremiah 18: 3-6

I went down to the potter’s house and there he was, working at the wheel.  

Whenever the object of clay which he was making turned out badly in his hand, 

he tried again, making of the clay another object of whatever sort he pleased.  

Then the word of the Lord came to me: 

Can I not do to you, house of Israel, as this potter has done? says the Lord.  

Indeed, like clay in the hands of the potter, so are you in my hand.

The Potter: What a beautiful image, although I have heard it a million times. “God is the potter and we are the clay.” So many times I have heard it!  But today, the thought of what it means to be good clay sprang into my mind.  The clay isn’t dried out.  It isn’t crumbling.  At the same time, it isn’t so wet that it won’t hold a form either.  It is good.  It has great docility.  It doesn’t have any resistance to the potter. It’s not fighting against what He wants of it.  It allows Him to work and rework it over and over again into whatever sort he pleased. We need to humble ourselves, surrender our will, and be completely docile to the transformation that the Lord is trying to make in us.  If we resist, we will turn out badly.  But our loving Father, even when we have turned out badly, will continue to work in us to rework our souls if we let Him.

My prayer is that we all learn to become docile clay in the Divine Creator’s hands.  That we will trust that He is working great miracles in our hearts.  That we will humble ourselves to give our will over to His.  For His will for us is love itself. 

Lent: A Season of Contemplation

Lent is a wonderful season within the church to help up to take a step back... calm down our lives... and truly contemplate God’s love for us.  This year for Lent, in order to truly contemplate God in His infinite goodness, I am working on spending more quality time with God whether through prayer, service, or in the Eucharist.

This Lenten season has been truly blessed so far!

The very first weekend of Lent, I was blessed to be able to go on a retreat here in a Honduras called "Pan de Vida,” meaning “Bread of Life.”  It was lead by the Missioners of Christ and the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. God definitely blessed me with a great gift of understanding throughout the retreat.  Everything was in Spanish and I actually was able to listen, comprehend, AND take notes in English!  I was so excited when I understood the first talk, and all the talks after! Also, I was able to help minister to others on the retreat by being part of the worship band.  Singing in Spanish definitely came easier by the grace of God and the help of the rest of the musicians.  The retreat started with a beautiful mass said by 4 of the Franciscan Friars here in Honduras.

The overarching theme is the Eucharist, and how God is the center of our lives.  To make this point even more evident, Jesus was exposed in the Blessed Sacrament the whole time! (Awesome!)  All talks, reflections, and praise and worship music were truly centered around the Eucharist.  It was so amazing to have a Christ centered weekend.

One things that I definitely spent a lot of time contemplating during the retreat is God's infinite ability to sustain us.  His love for us is unending, and much like a parent loves, cares for, and forgives their child, so does our Heavenly Father.  He provides for us our every need if we simple turn to Him.  He understands when we have made mistakes and he forgives us through the sacrament of reconciliation.  He will take care of us, sustain us, time and time again if we turn to Him and let Him truly be the center and the focus of our lives.

I was blessed to be able to share this retreat with some of my students and co-workers from ICB! It was great to connect with them through such a beautiful encounter with Christ.

This past Friday, I went to "Via Cruz" which is The Stations of the Cross.  I was in wonder and awe as we began.  In Honduras (and other parts of Central America) you walk around the streets of the town, with Jesus praying the different stations.  There are many acolytes, readers, and banner holders.  The priest has a microphone that is projected from a truck.  It is a huge procession where you sing in between each station.  It was awesome to see more people join in the procession as we ventured through the town. 

As I walked through the streets with the great procession, I was contemplating the journey of Jesus while carrying his cross and how Mary must have felt.  During the 4th station, I was standing directly under the gaze of Jesus.  My heart began to crumble as I imagined the pain Mary must have felt as she looked upon her son under such circumstances.  Just as I was about to tear up, it began to gently rain.  It was in that moment my contemplation gained a new dimension, Mary didn't just tear up, she must have be weeping.  Her son! My brother! My Lord! Our God! Being tortured in such a way - oh, the pain Mary must have felt!  The pain that I had a glimpse into. Jesus' love for me and the world had never been so explicit!

At the very end of stations, we all returned back to the cathedral for the closing prayers surrounding the Resurrection.  I was struck with awe as we approached the Eucharist Chapel.  There, in front of our eyes, was our hope, our Lord! As we knelt, praying, it was beautiful to be in the presence of Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament!

Needless to say, my Lenten journey has been full of contemplation.  I hope that you take time this Lent to turn to God, and learn and understand His love more fully.  He is always with you.  Turn to Him, and He will sustain you!